The Girl, the Penguin, the Home-Schooling and the Gin: A Parody

'It's alright,' said the Penguin in exactly the sort of way that Penguins don't. 'This is the only book you'll ever need to find complete happiness.'

Because it's been a bit of a trying time, hasn't it? You now know that your eight-year-old is better at maths than you. And English. And at not crying during schoolwork. And the only way to get through it with a smile has been to buy all the booze, wear all the pyjamas and try and make the supermarket delivery person your new best friend, through the letterbox, without screaming at them.

But don't worry, here to paper over all the cracks in your pickled soul is a touching book, full of tender animal friends, lots of pretty pictures and not too many words. A book for our times - to remind us all of the precious joy that is having all the family together, non-stop, twenty-four hours a day.

Owning it will make you happy. Giving it to other people will make you seem kind. Reading it will remind you that you're nearly out of gin.